You Leave The Door Open For Another

If you call me only when you think of me,

do you think of me only after you’ve been with another?

Or when you’ve hit a dry spell

that seems easily fixed by dialing my number?

If you think of me when you do not call,

does it cross your mind that I am not one

who appreciates lonely wednesday nights

and unspoken truths?

Can you tell that I am sick of you

after only a couple hours?

Annoyance at your lack of luster towards me

when you sit buried in your phone,

no doubt for girls that will fake smile for you

while I make myself at home.

You lie to me like the weather man,

finding it so easy to say things that 

really shouldn’t have been said to a woman

who lives by literal text.

I can hope for sunny weather

but my umbrella stays unpacked

next to the bottle of red that helps me

sleep through reckless anger.

Honey tastes like the way you look me in the eyes

and apologize for not being there…

A star twinkles in answer

when my heart hears you say 

“I can do better.”

Fire is my soul when you gift wrap your lies

in empty promise wrapper.

I want to remind you of a truth 

that sits on the elephant’s shoulder.

If you are not there (literally)…

If you do not celebrate me,

Then you leave the door open for another

to say goodnight and goodmorning

to both your child and I 

while you comfort yourself in excuses and lies.

The War I Wage

I’m lost in oily skin

and unkempt hair.

No visitors and dirty dishes

a reminder that I’ve retreated.

I’m found in the energy

of a hot shower

and blowdryed ends.

I’m lost in my living room,

without a book, or even a friend,

pajamas from two days ago

slung over my tired figure.

I’m found in the sunlight… 

in the wind.

At the beach, sand on my skin.

Laughter of my son

the joy expressed

at water’s cleanse.

I’m lost in worry,

night time trails

my mind frequents.

Pissed off at empty spaces of clutter

and the all consuming darkness,

Broken record of things

I should and shouldn’t have started.

I’m found in the morning,

jasmine tea hot 

next to my tasteless plate. 

In the fight for happy

that comes every single day. 

Enough Said

My thoughts carry me

in gusting winds

to the things that I should have said.

Repeating moments that could have been,

imagining the space in time

where I took a deep breath

replaced by the pain I should have spoke to.

The moment when…

I’m fed up and burst

with the venom

that has been held back on my tongue

for the sake of your attention

until patience is no longer my grace

and I can’t look at you with kindness.

My anger a seed that rumbles in my chest

which grows rapidly like vines

out of my limbs

wrapping around my torso and lips

until it is all consuming,

and I, a deadly flower that you must’n pick.

In that moment,

my thoughts are carried to you

on the wind

falling short of your deaf ears

and egotistical stare

which stops me in my tracks.

The pain retreating into me suddenly,

the vines a shadow presence.

The futileness robs my vocal cords

just as suddenly as a storm ends.

Each time I’m taken there,

the wind stops abruptly at the dead end

which is your cold heart

and I’m left to sit

in the self loathing presence,

where the venom still lingers on my tongue

and my disappointment leaves me

a woman with less to give.

[You didn’t ask, but] I take my coffee black.

Hand softly enclosed around mine

Bed sheets hardly covering my glowing white flesh

Flat on my back

Mouth closed, eyes wide

finding every light shadowed across the room

Moonlight nearly denied by old drapery

I breathe in and out through my nose

quietly finding myself in the space next to you

Your snores oddly comforting, filling the quiet that lurks

in the space between each breath.

Confused in random sleeping intervals,

falling asleep to the security

of your fingertips on my flesh,

at least half a smirk played across my lips

at the intimacy of falling asleep holding hands.

Abruptly waking to either you or I adjusting positions

finding that the only position

is to sleep belly down

head rested opposite a vision of you

arm sprawled across my upright ear.

I finally awake to you scrolling absent mindlessly on your phone

ready for my departure, though seemingly patient.

I don’t trust you though your skin pulls my eyes

my lips finding you gentle

a reminder that I came here for you

finding one more moment of longing

expressed in short gasps

before I’m exhausted of your space

and feel a sudden need to flee your bed

The sun finding the first gaps in the cloudy horizon

air crisp, cold deep breaths

freedom filling my lungs as I start my vehicle’s engine

recognizing the energy I’ve expended

on being happy and complacent for your benefit

No longer un-impressed with the weight of your baggage.

I’m inclined to remember each moment with an empty smile and happy hellos when you text.

Your interest hardly a prize in short sentences and long journeys

in which my status as a queen must go unquestioned but always tested

and your pursuit a requirement

Hardly dwelling on the moments

when your laughter filled my eyes

and comfort was your dark skin

warm in the night folds which loved me for moments

as I found myself dreaming of you,

eyes wide open

fingers lightly tracing my desires into your bare skin.

Would you like me on my knees or back?

He meant to fuck me

And I meant to love him

I took off my clothes

Knowing that only one of our needs

were being met

I told myself not to hope

Just move your hips back and forth

Like you love the smell of his sweat 

Moan as if he gives you 

Life with his breath

Breathing out slow and ragged

Do not ask for more than he gives

Never wish to be his

Don’t hold your breath 

waiting to be called beautiful

Lest you die an early death

That’s what I tell myself

That my hopes,

My wishes,

Should be swallowed back

A lump in my throat

Tastes like him

Can I get a drink of water?

“It’s in the kitchen 

With your shoes and coat”,

He says…

Drive safe on your way back home

Asleep in his bed

before I’ve shut the door behind me 

The Devil’s Smile is Sometimes Welcome

When you left me

I couldn’t breathe

I was mostly fine at work

Once the first hour in the shift

Rolled into three

By lunch time I had little thought

That consumed me 

If it wasn’t green and cut from a tree

Paying my bills

Working to live 

It’s how I got through my heartache

When you said complicated wasn’t your scene

The drive home was something else entirely

The colors of the setting sun

Yellow orange and pink

Nothing like the beauty of ever after

In the sky to remind oneself

That you decided I wasn’t worthy of time spent

By nightfall I was a wreck

Looking through my window at the blades of grass

Which stretch to the wood

Just behind my place

The grass I know to be the color

That always looked best on your skin

And the wood a hallow place

Not unlike the void 

That consumed me in my stress

Wondering how I would get through a day

 Or a lifetime without you

Begging the full moon

To remind you of my beauty

A light to guide you back to me

In the darkness of never

Strange how those wicked nights

Turned into days passed

When time felt unmovable

And life without your love

A hopeless journey

Now I can look at you 

With an empty smile

Lost to me forever 

in the memories of a hope passed

I’m stronger now

But still lonely

Though loneliness feels less suffocating

now that I’ve accepted never

Letting go of the dream 

I had dreamed of you loving me

Looking at the place you had once filled

In my hopeful wonder

That place next to my son and I

Worthy of our love and loyalty

You standing tall like a soldier

Who would always fight for me

That space is now empty

But I’ve removed your name 

From the trophy

The one you would have carried 

Had you made the choice

To hold me under the setting sun

Into the next day and year

Where forever awaited 

in quiet moments, warm smiles, 

and whispers in the ear

I can breathe now

Knowing it is you who has truly lost

No matter the great company you will find

I know that to have me

Is a gift not meant to be given

in the name of hospitality

I’m like a precious stone

A woman full of wonder in her eyes

Wonder you have chosen to live without

And if I had a chance to spend my life

Without wonder and love, 

it would be death

Similar to the first days

I lived knowing your love was taken from me

Which is such a relief

It’s like getting sent to hell

When you have already 

lived through it for an etnerity

Sometimes knowing I can survive

Is all the remedy I need when feeling lonely

Sometimes the devil’s smile is welcome

When I am certain

That I am a trophy that may sit forever

On a lonely shelf

In the quiet space where you should have loved me

I meant to Write…

I hoped to write about my pride

A Mother who thrives,

Made up of wins

And not a whisper of has-been

Working every day towards

Goals I’ve set forth

With a clear mind and strong resolve

Not a second wasted 

On wondering where I expect to land

Ten years time down in my plans

Looking at vacations

Love, sex, and accomplishments

That weren’t intended to be owned

By a single mother with no flavor

Breaking the mold

Owning the title of survivor

Wearing a crown like a queen 

Who transcended expectations

Of a girl who was once just a poor west sider

I meant to write about 

How good I look in the mirror 

When my makeup is done just right

Or how by breasts compliment the curves

Of my hips so nice

Bringing out rhymes that taste like lust

Turning to love when the mystery 

Of my smile is found in the seat of my soul

Which rests deeply in the light of my eyes

Sharing in my victories

Victorious in my day to day grind

I meant to forget that today I cried

The Witch of Breadcrumbs and Smiles

I felt pretty today

Though not a single man spoke to it

I felt lighter today

Though I ate pizza rolls the night before

Knowing with each bite,

My belly would become more bloated

I don’t know how I woke up

Feeling the sun on my skin

When the clouds kept the sun to just a dim

I’m confused on why happiness chased me

Or rather was a trail that I left

Like bread crumbs and smiles

Though I had no candy or special prize to offer

I wasn’t dealt a loss that was more than I could handle

or more than I expected

My feet are a bit sore

But I could have stayed at work 

An hour longer than requested

I even found myself airing up

My semi flat tire after a long day’s work

Without a thought to how bitter the air 

Felt on my cheeks

Fighting the slow leak 

I’ve noticed since several weeks back

I even laughed more than I had yesterday

Catch me making gains

On the surface

I wonder why the pain wasn’t present?

Why was the calm so omnipresent?

I caught myself smiling 

And didn’t even hold my breath one time

To hear the thoughts or opinions

Of any man that 

May have taken a moment to say

“You look like I wish you were mine.”

And my smile didn’t break 

When I walked into my apartment

Quiet as empty can sound

Not even my son’s laughter to fill the space

Fore he is staying the night at my mom’s place

I took a bath in silence

And found myself whistling an off beat tune

My thoughts were so quiet

I even had time to appreciate the moon

This is lovely I thought

My blankets making way for my warmth

I can sit here tonight

In silence 

And not waste a minute to mourn

The keys on this laptop softly clicking

Morphing this calm 

Into a trail of quiet joy

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