The Witch of Breadcrumbs and Smiles

I felt pretty today

Though not a single man spoke to it

I felt lighter today

Though I ate pizza rolls the night before

Knowing with each bite,

My belly would become more bloated

I don’t know how I woke up

Feeling the sun on my skin

When the clouds kept the sun to just a dim

I’m confused on why happiness chased me

Or rather was a trail that I left

Like bread crumbs and smiles

Though I had no candy or special prize to offer

I wasn’t dealt a loss that was more than I could handle

or more than I expected

My feet are a bit sore

But I could have stayed at work 

An hour longer than requested

I even found myself airing up

My semi flat tire after a long day’s work

Without a thought to how bitter the air 

Felt on my cheeks

Fighting the slow leak 

I’ve noticed since several weeks back

I even laughed more than I had yesterday

Catch me making gains

On the surface

I wonder why the pain wasn’t present?

Why was the calm so omnipresent?

I caught myself smiling 

And didn’t even hold my breath one time

To hear the thoughts or opinions

Of any man that 

May have taken a moment to say

“You look like I wish you were mine.”

And my smile didn’t break 

When I walked into my apartment

Quiet as empty can sound

Not even my son’s laughter to fill the space

Fore he is staying the night at my mom’s place

I took a bath in silence

And found myself whistling an off beat tune

My thoughts were so quiet

I even had time to appreciate the moon

This is lovely I thought

My blankets making way for my warmth

I can sit here tonight

In silence 

And not waste a minute to mourn

The keys on this laptop softly clicking

Morphing this calm 

Into a trail of quiet joy

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The Ways of a Daffodil

The color of a daffodil,

Yellow and happy

Not unlike the teeth you bare 

When you smile at me

The flower is sunshine 

With petals that curl open

Around a second layer of equally beautiful yellow

Which encloses around the center

Compelling me to think

That the flower knows its value

Just as you know you can bring my heart value

The flower full of life

Bright and warm, 

Sharing its summer 

with the one who yearns for a better day

But the second layer of petal is protective

Not opening up to the world

Just as your heart seems just out of reach

No matter how you laugh with me

Even in my moments of sorrow,

Your concerning gaze

The comforting embrace 

Or the words you say to pull me back to okay,

It’s like the smell of the flower

So alluring

How can one be consumed in misery 

When such beauty

Is present in all its imperfections

Like the hairs in your beard that aren’t quite combed straight

Or the way you sometimes forget

To make sure that I am okay

As if you care,

But could never love me

The way the flower opens up incompletely

This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon. 

Gin and Tonic

I’ve been drinking

And thinking

Contemplating

Running through my thoughts

Kinda feeling crazy

Wondering about me

And where I ought to be

Thinking about him

And how far away he is emotionally

Another gulp of gin and tonic

Head feeling lighter, though the pain seems chronic

I’m like a child that never learns

Laying in bed thinking about my behaviors

Canceling out all my wins

Focusing on the failures

Feeling like a sudden cessation of power

A disaster less self aware than a narcissistic mother

Plastered in this alcohol

In this game of life that keeps building up a wall

I can’t break it down

Periodically adding bricks as if my job is to lay it down

In front of me

Blocking my path to success in spite of me

Drinking down the liquor as if it carries me

Showing no sign of texting him if he isn’t texting me

Playing the dumb bitch who wants sex with he

Asking him over as if he would follow me

Knowing he ain’t coming because…well look at me

My curves aren’t enough to beckon thee

My words aren’t sweet enough to sugar coat my feelings

I drink it down because he ain’t gonna like the way these verses read

Go ahead and lie as if you think of me…

I’ve been rehearsing

I don’t give a fuck, no apology.

I’m drunk enough to tell you

That I won’t fuck with you

Unless you got me

My man better be in my corner mentally and physically

Worrying about my needs and my wants respectfully

Loving me

Gin and tonic

Now he’s calling, how ironic

Think he misses my mouth on his man hose

My words on his ego

Reacting to his feelings like they are my flow

Because of the way his smile glows

In this game of quid pro quo

Chaos creating love when it shouldn’t be

I should have stayed in bed wondering…

Now I’m alone in his arms like I couldn’t be

anything but his boo thing

At least that’s what he calls me

Jamie….babe…baby….booty call

And this gin and tonic bringing me back to the wall

Carrying me

Embracing love that will never be

Glass always half empty

Pouring me another

Gin and tonic.

A Smile on a Monday

My body is tired on Mondays

Fat in places it shouldn’t be,

Cellulite thighs and cheeks,

Stretch marks laid like river signs on a map

that takes one through the forest of growth and pain.

I have dirt under my fingernails,

Random acne breakouts on my face,

And messy curls on my good days.

On my bad days I cry in the car,

And sometimes let out a horrid scream,

shaking the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip

just to let off steam.

Always alone in my thoughts

without a lover’s shoulder to bury my face into

when reality feels like a burden.

I’m mostly happy

But sometimes, momentarily defeated

I am harder on myself than anybody

Making the mirror a tool for reflection

  • Not an enemy, but not always my friend.

I try hard to be better,

Continuously finding the courage to live another day.

Praying for strength, asking for guidance

A rose quartz in my pocket

  • I’m hopeful on Sundays

Born a fighter,

and still beautiful when I smile. 

Pissed that You Didn’t Call

I’m angry,

consumed with my feelings

fetal position, arms wrapped around my belly

tears cold and salty

staring at the wall with an obscured vision.

Dead. 

And yet alive in this pain.

Tired of liking you.

Knowing that it’s my fault for not setting expectations

ahead of you.

Jumping up when you want me in your bed

Replying right away to those late night texts

Hopping into my cold car with a quiet hope

Praying that I don’t choke

on my feelings…

Risking my pride for your affection

Taking my clothes off because you requested it.

Then back at home 

In pieces,

I’m having a hard time concentrating on the reason

for my existence 

On a reason to smile

On an excuse to not answer the phone

the next time I’m dialed.

And…there’s always an “And”

Always “and I just wished you loved me”

“And I just wish you saw me”

“And why can’t you call me outside of late night happy hour?”

Why can’t I just be good enough for you 

to want to feed me something other than your dick?!

I’m pissed and hurt

And in between ,

Knowing that some man somewhere would value me

if I could just stop waiting for you to call…

How about you feed me a line,

Dinner and some of your valued time.

Feed me a story,

Something about your life that has made you thrive

Tell me about a time when you thought I looked beautiful.

Find Me in the Bold Print

Find me in the broken places

I’m here, in the cuts that my 13 year old self made

Razor blades on the wrist

Desperate for attention from my parents

And only finding refuge in the arms of a man

whose 30 year age gap didn’t stop him from undressing himself in front of me,

The door behind my back

Heart pounding…

As he called me a lush for having drank too much of the wine he had bought me

I’m here, in the darkness that took my eyesight

When my high school boyfriend first knocked me out

Realizing that bright spots surrounded with emptiness look like stars

Body hitting the floor

Waking up to his fist still going at my face

Curled into the fetal position as his foot took my breath from me

Here I be,

Held tight against the wall at 17,

His elbow on my throat,

Consciousness barely finding me

Up goes his other hand,

Knife in fist, struck out far enough to gain momentum as he means to stab me

Find me in the moment that I know I am dead

Adrenaline moving my arm, 

thrusting a left handed uppercut into his chin,

Falling to my knees as I crawl away from him in his moment of shock and imbalance

Find me in the broken places

I’m right here, 18 years old and drugged…

I let a stranger hand me a drink and now it’s time to pay the price for trusting him,

Paralyzed on the ground,

A young man standing over me with an accessing look,

The carpet running against my skin as three devils drag me into the back bedroom

Hoping to claim my innocence

This is where I am

You will find me numb in pain

Concussion dulling my reactions

My ex husband holding a chair above his head 

As he towers over my limp body

I’m here where the chair breaks open my skin

Coming down on me again and again

Until he is exhausted of aggression

Find me in my secrets

In the nightmares that haunt me…running from all the “hims”

I’m in the broken places

Where my heart has bled 

Where men have picked me out and beaten me down

Here I am, 

In the truth that love has never found me

That darkness has claimed me since I was a kid

In the place where I wish he would just hold me

And keep me safe

For once…

Find me in the bold print. 

This Title is for You

I never title before I write

I start with a slow breath

And the soft clicking of the keys begins

Not knowing what I am about to say

Before my fingers compose my heart

My soul opening like a wound that never heals

Cut open again and again

The title finding me only after I have bled my feelings

Decloaking my fears,

Naked with scars and salty trails

of old tears still on my soft skin

It usually begins with you, my sweet

There is a part of me that I cannot quiet 

Growing louder as ink appears on paper

Always about my broken heart

Waiting for you to heal it

Wishing for a chance to kiss you

I write about how I miss you,

How I need you to hold me with certainty,

I’m lonely for your affection

I know you see me

Your gaze finding me in quiet moments

I feel my laughter touch you

And yet I wait, in longing,

With the promise of love if you would just reach for me

Waiting for you to whisper in my ear

Your words finding me in my darkest moments

Pulling my lips across my teeth

I smile for you as you beckon my heart

Seeing my soul reflected in your warm eyes

And the title shall be

“You Gave Me My Calm”

It shall be, 

“You Found Me”