Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon. 

A Smile on a Monday

My body is tired on Mondays

Fat in places it shouldn’t be,

Cellulite thighs and cheeks,

Stretch marks laid like river signs on a map

that takes one through the forest of growth and pain.

I have dirt under my fingernails,

Random acne breakouts on my face,

And messy curls on my good days.

On my bad days I cry in the car,

And sometimes let out a horrid scream,

shaking the steering wheel in a white knuckled grip

just to let off steam.

Always alone in my thoughts

without a lover’s shoulder to bury my face into

when reality feels like a burden.

I’m mostly happy

But sometimes, momentarily defeated

I am harder on myself than anybody

Making the mirror a tool for reflection

  • Not an enemy, but not always my friend.

I try hard to be better,

Continuously finding the courage to live another day.

Praying for strength, asking for guidance

A rose quartz in my pocket

  • I’m hopeful on Sundays

Born a fighter,

and still beautiful when I smile. 

His Tragedy

My tragedy is that he never loved me

He being all men

Or rather every man that has ever called me “baby”

Every man that has ever held my attention,

The ones I paused to consider with my forgiving heart

This is my tragedy:

He wasn’t sweet to me

My preferences weren’t considered

Either he fucked too fast or 

Was such a bore that I couldn’t bring myself to fake a moan for his masculinity 

He didn’t choke me when I wanted to be choked

Didn’t put his hands in my hair and tug just the right amount

He didn’t cuddle me as I slept,

his broad chest didn’t call me home to safety

when I awoke

He was rough with his hands when he was angry

Cruel with his words

when one cruel comment broke me

My tragedy is that I have always been alone

Even when my body was claimed by him

Even when I loved him just because I needed to love

Needed to feel something for somebody

To escape the emptiness of my existence 

So much so that I didn’t run when he hit me

Didn’t leave when he admitted that I wasn’t pretty enough

Skinny enough

Quiet enough

My tragedy is that men have failed me

That loving him never lifted me up

Beautiful though I am,

Strong in my story…

He wasn’t able to keep me from being kind

From smiling at him…

He couldn’t steal me away from myself

Radiant in laughter,

I’m alive though he surely tried to kill me. 

His tragedy being that he did not pause to love me. 

As It Turns Out

Part 1

You’ve held me before

and I remember wishing for forever.

Hope filled my heart

though I had thought my heart was full of emptiness,

a well that could not take a drop more.

Your imperfections died in the easiness of your smile,

in the twinkle that lived in your eyes

when your gaze found me.

“I love you”, I declared, full of energy – 

    -so happy that the world must know!

Part 2

Your careful affection, when you spoke of responsibilities and promises made to others,

did not make me pause

and hindes sight waited in later.

Part 3

I told myself that I loved you,

even as you slowly pulled away

leaving no room for me in your life.

“I love you”, even as the words

began to feel like acid on my tongue,

tasting like the pain of rejection..

“I want you, the way you smell,

the devouring nature of your kiss”,

even as you took my breath from me,

leaving me falling into the abyss –

back to the place that I had existed before you had called love to my heart.

“I love you”, I cried,

even when those words no longer fell from your lips.

Part 4

You told me that we are soul mates 

destined to be apart.

I desperately disagreed, begging you to find the courage to follow your heart.

“You’re killing me”, I choked out.

Pulling back as suddenly as you had swept in.

I handed you my heart and patiently waited as you examined it

I felt you squeeze your fist tightly

Watching my heart break like glass,

falling to the ground in shards.

“You’ve killed me!”

I exclaimed as I gathered the pieces

My hands bloody and outstretched,

Like giving fire back that which it has already burned.

Begging you to hold my heart in its demise.

You turned away from me. 

I’m alone,

drinking the weakness in,

trying to remember where I placed my strength.

Part 5

Even with time, I haven’t forgotten you.

My soul reaches for you now and then.

Sometimes I find myself unconsciously consumed with love for you,

With daydreams of our future together. 

I wonder if you think of me.

I tell the wind that I still love you.

Part 6

I remember that I shouldn’t linger in the past.

That feelings spent can’t be cashed in.

That words spoken can’t be recalled.

I remember that you saw me for all that I am 

and discarded me. 

Love was not our story.

You were never mine to hold.

Part 7

I look forward to life,

With an open heart and wanderlust eyes,

knowing my worth is greater than what you valued it for. 

I am courageous and genuine 

Authentically living and loving

Pausing for self reflection only,

Never allowing the world to dim the fire that carries my soul

I am free in a world of slaves

And my memory of us has been discarded 

Like chains that once held me captive in insecurities.

Find Me in the Bold Print

Find me in the broken places

I’m here, in the cuts that my 13 year old self made

Razor blades on the wrist

Desperate for attention from my parents

And only finding refuge in the arms of a man

whose 30 year age gap didn’t stop him from undressing himself in front of me,

The door behind my back

Heart pounding…

As he called me a lush for having drank too much of the wine he had bought me

I’m here, in the darkness that took my eyesight

When my high school boyfriend first knocked me out

Realizing that bright spots surrounded with emptiness look like stars

Body hitting the floor

Waking up to his fist still going at my face

Curled into the fetal position as his foot took my breath from me

Here I be,

Held tight against the wall at 17,

His elbow on my throat,

Consciousness barely finding me

Up goes his other hand,

Knife in fist, struck out far enough to gain momentum as he means to stab me

Find me in the moment that I know I am dead

Adrenaline moving my arm, 

thrusting a left handed uppercut into his chin,

Falling to my knees as I crawl away from him in his moment of shock and imbalance

Find me in the broken places

I’m right here, 18 years old and drugged…

I let a stranger hand me a drink and now it’s time to pay the price for trusting him,

Paralyzed on the ground,

A young man standing over me with an accessing look,

The carpet running against my skin as three devils drag me into the back bedroom

Hoping to claim my innocence

This is where I am

You will find me numb in pain

Concussion dulling my reactions

My ex husband holding a chair above his head 

As he towers over my limp body

I’m here where the chair breaks open my skin

Coming down on me again and again

Until he is exhausted of aggression

Find me in my secrets

In the nightmares that haunt me…running from all the “hims”

I’m in the broken places

Where my heart has bled 

Where men have picked me out and beaten me down

Here I am, 

In the truth that love has never found me

That darkness has claimed me since I was a kid

In the place where I wish he would just hold me

And keep me safe

For once…

Find me in the bold print. 

A Love Song

I am a terrible lover.

I will wake you up in the middle of the night

just to point out the beauty of the moonlight

as it dances through the window.

I will pull your arm around me 

even when you say that you aren’t into cuddling.

I will lay across your chest in the early morning hours

stealing a few more moments for myself

even as the alarm begs you out of bed.

I expect you to understand that I need you

in slow breaths.

I am a selfish woman.

I will tell you to kiss me in the midst of your anger.

Demanding love 

even if it endangers your speech.

And I will call on you to smile

no matter the pile of bulshit laid at our feet.

I expect a warrior,

who feels blessed to have me.

A man in my corner not willing to lose.

I am a bold partner.

I will blatantly ask for hugs when I am down

and reassurance when I am frustrated.

I will tell you when I’ve had enough 

of your attitude.

I will bat my eyelashes to get my way

and ask that you never turn away from my anger.

I expect you to love me with the lights on.

Following my voice as if it were a love song.