I’ll Take My Gin in a Coffee Mug

I’m drinking my gin in a coffee mug

All my other glasses are sitting in the sink

waiting to be made clean

I decided that however sad I might look

gin tastes the same no matter the cup

It’s equal amounts gin and diet tonic

No lime simply because I was too lazy to cut it

I’m trying to forget that I’m home alone

and that the next couple of hours will drag

As slow as the moon across the sky

making nine o’clock to ten o’clock 

then somehow the clock goes back to nine

Like time never moved though I swear

It was at least five in the morning

With me still laying mostly awake 

in my queen size bed

I lay in the middle exactly

Staring at the wall in a kind of discomfort 

that comes with waiting for a lover

to never call

Anxiety a trickle on my skin

Creepy crawling up and down my limbs

On my mind

is the mess that awaits for me in my kitchen,

How my messes are a direct reflection

of the brokenness that comes from 

feeling like nobody’s friend

I could die in this sorrow

And the cycle would finally end

My sister would raise my child

in better circumstances 

than my bank account and endless depression

His uncle Derek would be a father figure

and my failures could be a thing of memory

My friends…well if there were any

would come to clean out my place

Possibly one of them noticing 

the mug of gin sitting mostly empty

next to the bed that I laid awake in

where I wasted hours wondering 

about life without love 

and if it would finally be that which kills me

The Ways of a Daffodil

The color of a daffodil,

Yellow and happy

Not unlike the teeth you bare 

When you smile at me

The flower is sunshine 

With petals that curl open

Around a second layer of equally beautiful yellow

Which encloses around the center

Compelling me to think

That the flower knows its value

Just as you know you can bring my heart value

The flower full of life

Bright and warm, 

Sharing its summer 

with the one who yearns for a better day

But the second layer of petal is protective

Not opening up to the world

Just as your heart seems just out of reach

No matter how you laugh with me

Even in my moments of sorrow,

Your concerning gaze

The comforting embrace 

Or the words you say to pull me back to okay,

It’s like the smell of the flower

So alluring

How can one be consumed in misery 

When such beauty

Is present in all its imperfections

Like the hairs in your beard that aren’t quite combed straight

Or the way you sometimes forget

To make sure that I am okay

As if you care,

But could never love me

The way the flower opens up incompletely

I Can Do This Forever

I’m at the laundromat right now, 

beginning this piece on my phone 

and probably finishing it up on my laptop at home. 

I’m alone.

Living through the motions.

Doing what I have to do, 

like cleaning the house and trying not to suffocate on my emotions.

I am a strong woman,

devoted to my son.

Telling everybody who will listen that I am a single mom.

Not fishing for a man,

just damn proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish…

But maybe not happy as I am.

It’s hard sometimes,

Missing somebody that tells you lies,

like saying I’m beautiful when I’ve just rolled out of bed.

Or helping carry my groceries up three flights of steps.

Caring about my son’s happiness.

Giving him that male bonding experience.

Somebody to rough house with him

while I take a moment longer in the hot shower.

A minute longer to roll out of bed.

Missing somebody that helps me balance,

relaxing my stance under his strong hands.

Able to take deep breaths 

because I know that someone will comfort me when I’m sad.

Tears running down my face as I write this

because I can do it alone,

I can do this forever.

No naps, no pausing to check the weather.

But….deep breath…

It would be a relief,

Matter of fact a pleasure,

To share my son’s smile with someone who matters.

To have a man that gathers us into his arms

and whispers forever.

It would be beautiful if I had someone who read my expressions,

who paid close attention to my body language

and was there for me before I made mention of my struggles.

I couldn’t tell you how much I would appreciate

being allowed a moment to be weak,

To not have to care after my own heartbeat for just a second

I could rest my head on his chest and just breathe

That is how I picture heaven.

But I guess we all have something we’ve never had,

and I’m just that woman looking in the window 

of a life that isn’t mine to have.

Alone, but I can do this forever,

even if the thought makes me sad.

The Lone Wolf

I can feel the swell of heartbreak, in my chest…

in my smile.

I look for love

Always trying to drink from a dry well

Hurting myself, forgetting to breathe

Suffocated by the misery of unkept promises,

Unfilled expectations…

Wondering how I will survive another day shadowed in sadness…

Another day of being alone

Wanted by men who are really just boys, 

Pursued half heartedly by whores,

Not one of them strong enough to hold me…to hug me.

I look down, escaping the eyes of those around me.

Knowing that they see me for nothing…nothing of my truth.

I’m battleworn not broken.

I need support not saving.

I need eyes and tongue,

a hand on my leg when he’s driving.

Possession though I won’t be owned,

I swallow the tears back…

the lovesickness dispelling gloom from my essence,

The longing morphing time into an eternity of sorrow.

I am unloved. Forgotten and gone already.

Dying more each day in my self sacrifice.

Wishing for everything

and getting only that which I have bled for.

Bleeding on this paper,

I die again and am reborn into the lone wolf,

alone and hungry.

Alone, If Not for the Moon

I want you to know that 

Im only lonely when you hold me

Only starved when there is no food in front of me

Only full when your kisses meant nothing

And I’m back on track remembering that the love I gave you was 

actually just me being silly

Forgetful when you ask after my heartbeat

Full of optimism when you smile at me

and yet heartbroken that you would think of me only at night

When the moon is high

and the size of your bed makes you feel empty

Snuggled in the sheets with a woman to hold your body

Keeping at bay the nightmares that come from a lifetime of yearning

Never satisfied with the love that is hanging 

On your every word

The love that is waiting for you to call me pretty…beautiful

To say you love my laugh 

even in your worst moods

The love that awaits if you would claim me

no matter the crowd that surrounds you.

Hoping you think of me next valentines

Or possibly come around to loving me by April fools…

I am full of deep breaths when I am crying

And I only cry when there is no moon.