I Want To Apologize For My Incorrigible Appetite

I think about him on and off throughout the day

Whether or not he does the same

Is a mystery

And it wouldn’t matter if he did

Because when he isn’t getting ahold of me

He isn’t kissing me

Or being attentive

He’s wrapped up in his own life

And I’m just a distraction

He’s got his priorities to look after

In the same breath, I have Zane to look after

and even though it scares him

that I’m a mother,

whose son needs a father figure

He said he is still drawn to my laughter…

that he will do better

But I held my breath so long

My face is turning purple

I might as well let other dudes 

Start spitting their game to me

As if I’m watching commercials

Flipping the channels 

Bored out my mind by the same old shit

Playing back to back

I’m sitting home alone

Reading books 

Drowning myself in paper

So that I don’t have time to think

about the word “lack”

Gotta stay busy 

Because really I like him too much

It’s not even a mystery

On why I’m sad

But I think his heart has been trampled 

By a woman he thought was worthy

The irony

I’m a great woman,

With integrity, 

whose affection would never leave him wondering

And he’s a great man who

Could never appreciate getting what he asked for

Because life is all about what we don’t have

Chasing after paper, attention, kisses, affection,

Appreciation from the one who

Only appreciates power…or distractions

And I’ve realized that it is my disposition

as much as his

to want for more than we get

That feeling the lack of attention

is actually my fault for focusing my attention

on my incorrigible appetite

I’m so sick of living my life

Focused on my empty plate

That I’m done being hungry

I want him..yes that doesn’t change

But I’m going to sit here 

Instead of laying blame

And count every time he was kind to me

Every time he went out of his way to hold me

Or ask me about my day

Shifting my focus from what I don’t have

To what he’s already given me

Maybe that will change things

Adjust his indifference

Making the way he looks at me feel different

Helping him to forget about the woman

who was without my genuine qualities

Letting him have space to be human

Hopefully coming to love me

When he realizes I’m counting my blessings 

Everytime I’m with him.

That I’m grateful for all his attention

That I would kill for his smile to be omnipresent

Hoping that my plate fills up with his laughter

Showing him that he brought light to my eyes

and a smile from me in the dark

His affection being what I’m after.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s