I need to write
Though I’m sitting here dumbfounded on what to say
I want to talk about my day
And how I survived it
Thanks to coworkers that loved me through it
They flocked to look after me when my face gave away my ineptitudes and emotions burning behind my failures
I heard I’m strong because a few of them looked me in the eyes and lifted me up when I needed it
Thanks to the kinds words from people who believe in me, I walked back into the cage determined to not take another beating
I will write about how I was told that I looked pretty and my eyes were beautiful though I cried myself ugly before the morning was through
I want to write about how I couldn’t breathe and then a small act of kindness made all the difference for me
How a hug made the day a small challenge and not an instant defeat
I want to write about how I let my son down
That I try my best
But I can never be his mother and his father
I don’t know what’s right all the time
And I’m scared to death of fucking up his mind
So worried about building up his self esteem
That I’m left to cry in dismay
When I feel like I’m failing him
Even when I ain’t
I want to write about the absence of a man
The absence of a father
And though I know a great guy that grew up with a single mother who demonstrates patience that I hope to one day instill in my child;
A kind man that grew up with a piece of shit alcoholic father and still has room in his heart to create laughter;
And another whose mother was shot dead before he could get to know her
Whose father was never a mention though this child grew to be a standup father;
Another great man who grew up adopted by his aunt and uncle, having grown up temporarily in the foster system, strong as ever in his swayed walk;
These guys that grew up to resemble soldiers,
I find it hard to believe that I have it in me to be everything that my son will ever need
And right now he is only six,
What I want for him is a life of laughter
And not the need to puff his chest like he is a warrior
Because I’m his warrior,
And I can do better than this for my little soldier.
I want to write about my loneliness
how it’s exemplified by the battles I face for my son
And even more so by the battles that he had to face alone
I’m pulled every which way from working too long
And driving back and forth from school, my moms, work, home, the grocery store…
Just enough time to gulp a mouthful of liquor
Before resting my head on my pink fluff pillow
Alone in the thought that I wish somebody
Was there to curl up next to
Taking this defeat off my shoulders
To become his issues
Telling me I’m beautiful just so that my eyelids can drop in a restful sleep
His hands in my hair, knowing it comforts me
Because I’m so sick of waking up every two fucking hours from anxiety
I want to write about my misery
But my son is laying in the next room
And I can hear his deep breathing
I can’t help but smile because we danced in our underwear before I sent him to bed,
I took in his happiness as he threw down dance moves on my bed
With my phone playing an unknown song in the background
Everything background noise when I’m with him
And even though I wish for everything
At least I have him
And he is everything that I need
Even if I don’t have a man helping me,
I have my son and the company of great people,
Who couldn’t even know how much my life
Needed their support
And even though I want for more
Easily writing about how the lack of intimacy in my life
makes me crave for words like beautiful, pretty, respect, trust, I will comfort you, baby….
I want to write about how a handful of people
Made me strong enough
To let the defeats of the day fall at my feet
That my tears were shed and fell to the ground of what no longer serves me
I want to write…thank you for giving me a moment to breathe.
Those people you spoke of sound like some amazing individuals.
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I will share it with them
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