We Danced Anyway

I need to write

Though I’m sitting here dumbfounded on what to say

I want to talk about my day

And how I survived it

Thanks to coworkers that loved me through it

They flocked to look after me when my face gave away my ineptitudes and emotions burning behind my failures

I heard I’m strong because a few of them looked me in the eyes and lifted me up when I needed it

Thanks to the kinds words from people who believe in me, I walked back into the cage determined to not take another beating

I will write about how I was told that I looked pretty and my eyes were beautiful though I cried myself ugly before the morning was through

I want to write about how I couldn’t breathe and then a small act of kindness made all the difference for me

How a hug made the day a small challenge and not an instant defeat

I want to write about how I let my son down

That I try my best

But I can never be his mother and his father

I don’t know what’s right all the time

And I’m scared to death of fucking up his mind

So worried about building up his self esteem

That I’m left to cry in dismay

When I feel like I’m failing him

Even when I ain’t 

I want to write about the absence of a man

The absence of a father

And though I know a great guy that grew up with a single mother who demonstrates patience that I hope to one day instill in my child;

A kind man that grew up with a piece of shit alcoholic father and still has room in his heart to create laughter;

And another whose mother was shot dead before he could get to know her

Whose father was never a mention though this child grew to be a standup father;

Another great man who grew up adopted by his aunt and uncle, having grown up temporarily in the foster system, strong as ever in his swayed walk;

These guys that grew up to resemble soldiers,

I find it hard to believe that I have it in me to be everything that my son will ever need

And right now he is only six,

What I want for him is a life of laughter

And not the need to puff his chest like he is a warrior

Because I’m his warrior,

And I can do better than this for my little soldier.

I want to write about my loneliness 

how it’s exemplified by the battles I face for my son

And even more so by the battles that he had to face alone

I’m pulled every which way from working too long

And driving back and forth from school, my moms, work, home, the grocery store…

Just enough time to gulp a mouthful of liquor

Before resting my head on my pink fluff pillow

Alone in the thought that I wish somebody 

Was there to curl up next to

Taking this defeat off my shoulders

To become his issues

Telling me I’m beautiful just so that my eyelids can drop in a restful sleep

His hands in my hair, knowing it comforts me

Because I’m so sick of waking up every two fucking hours from anxiety

I want to write about my misery

But my son is laying in the next room

And I can hear his deep breathing

I can’t help but smile because we danced in our underwear before I sent him to bed,

I took in his happiness as he threw down dance moves on my bed

With my phone playing an unknown song in the background

Everything background noise when I’m with him

And even though I wish for everything

At least I have him

And he is everything that I need

Even if I don’t have a man helping me,

I have my son and the company of great people,

Who couldn’t even know how much my life

Needed their support

And even though I want for more

Easily writing about how the lack of intimacy in my life

makes me crave for words like beautiful, pretty, respect, trust, I will comfort you, baby….

I want to write about how a handful of people

Made me strong enough

To let the defeats of the day fall at my feet

That my tears were shed and fell to the ground of what no longer serves me

I want to write…thank you for giving me a moment to breathe.