I’m at the laundromat right now,
beginning this piece on my phone
and probably finishing it up on my laptop at home.
Living through the motions.
Doing what I have to do,
like cleaning the house and trying not to suffocate on my emotions.
I am a strong woman,
devoted to my son.
Telling everybody who will listen that I am a single mom.
Not fishing for a man,
just damn proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish…
But maybe not happy as I am.
It’s hard sometimes,
Missing somebody that tells you lies,
like saying I’m beautiful when I’ve just rolled out of bed.
Or helping carry my groceries up three flights of steps.
Caring about my son’s happiness.
Giving him that male bonding experience.
Somebody to rough house with him
while I take a moment longer in the hot shower.
A minute longer to roll out of bed.
Missing somebody that helps me balance,
relaxing my stance under his strong hands.
Able to take deep breaths
because I know that someone will comfort me when I’m sad.
Tears running down my face as I write this
because I can do it alone,
I can do this forever.
No naps, no pausing to check the weather.
It would be a relief,
Matter of fact a pleasure,
To share my son’s smile with someone who matters.
To have a man that gathers us into his arms
and whispers forever.
It would be beautiful if I had someone who read my expressions,
who paid close attention to my body language
and was there for me before I made mention of my struggles.
I couldn’t tell you how much I would appreciate
being allowed a moment to be weak,
To not have to care after my own heartbeat for just a second
I could rest my head on his chest and just breathe
That is how I picture heaven.
But I guess we all have something we’ve never had,
and I’m just that woman looking in the window
of a life that isn’t mine to have.
Alone, but I can do this forever,
even if the thought makes me sad.