This Tear

I keep writing about you

As if you will ever read any of this

I laid awake last night

Waiting for you to call but you didn’t 

Apparently “I will see you later”

Is actually just a passive statement

Not meant to imply that you are setting aside time for me

Who would have thought it?

Now I’m up at six a.m. 

Feeling like shit about my own reflection

Wondering if I lost the weight in my stomach

Or looked different

Would that make this pain less omnipresent?

I’m thinking about the lost sleep

The feeling of gloom that shadowed my soul

As I laid in my bed, quite possibly forever alone

I didn’t cry but maybe I ought to

I just thought I would be damned

If I let you get one more tear

Knowing you were probably snuggled next to another woman’s ear

Whispering the things

That I had wished to hear

And now I have to look in the mirror

And compose myself

Knowing I’ve lost another night’s sleep 

Because I choose this cell

Imprisoned by my choices in men

Never able to quite comprehend

My own accountability in this mess

Confused by the pain

As I continue wishing for you in vain

But I’ll be damned if you get this tear.

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